I just need to get something off my chest....
Welcome all! This is my first rant. I trust you will enjoy. The subject today is work- and my current job. Now I trust most of you have some sort of work, and if not you are either a spoilt brat or a lazy bum taking my tax dollars. Thanks.
Currently I work in an independantly owned small business- a pizza place by the name of the Big Salami. I wash dishes, serve bastards, and deliver the pizzas. Its a humble job, and not very future oriented, but it helps me get money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, you know the drill. From this line of work I see the whole spectrum of society- from really nice, hardworking, attractive, tipping, prompt people to lazy, ugly, cheapass, delayed people with houses that have really bad locations. So here's a list of thanks you's and "sincere thank you's" (pick the sarcastic one) I have devised in my line of work.
First, the positives. A big thank you to all the people who-
-
Tip me. The extra money really does help when you are on a modest wage and using your own car. And it shows a little appreciation.
- Say thank you. Its common curtosy, and a smile does really go along way.
- Are attractive and female. This is always a plus, as we all love members of the opposite sex who shower, and wear proper clothes.
- Pay by cheque. It saves me fucking around trying to add up your order and the money you gave me then trying to deduce how much I owe you. Failing that, it's great when you
- Pay with exact change. Again, saves me precious time, and gives me less of a chance to drop all the money in my wallet onto your porch.
- Are prompt. Its nice when I don't have to wait long before someone answers the door.
- Have a house with easy access. I hate to haul ass up a huge hill, or down a huge hill, or around a huge hill, or through bush. I really appreciate it when I can just walk up to your house, and not go on an Amazonian trek.
Therefore, the perfect delivery is an attractive female with a nice house, who pays with a cheque and gives me a tip on top. Then says thank you and smiles as I leave. It's a great feeling when it all comes together.
Now, for my "sincere thank you's". You shitheads know who you are. A big finger to all those of you who-
- Pay by cheque, but haven't written it out by the time I get there. I really love to be arsed around while you take six years to write out a cheque for an amount we told you on the phone at least 30 minutes ago. Another lovely variation on this is people who
- Have lost their wallet. I cringe when I hear "Just let me get my purse" line, then spend 5 minutes on the porch scratch my nuts as I wait for them to hand over the cash. You knew I was coming. You have known I was coming for a while now. At least be ready and not
- Take forever to answer the door. You were the one who rang to order this meal. Answer the damn door.
- Change bomb me. My wallet is not the size of a suitcase. If you pay for a $40 order in a combination of 20c and 50c pieces, it could be a little tricky to transport, no? Munter
- Have a house in a feral location, and fail to provide directions. I mean, its bad enough if your house is at the end of a dirt track up the top of a hill, but it is my job. But if you don't tell me which house is yours up the top of said hill, then how the fuck am I supposed to find it? Oh yeah... big props to the shithead with the house you need a machete and a spotlight to find. And you wonder why I don't laugh when you say "Boy you look puffed, did ya run up?"
- Make me cringe at your appearance. It is not good to turn up drunk, stoned, tripping out, unwashed, in gripper rugby shorts, or in a dressing gown. Especially if you are ugly. I am a human being after all- it does count as human contact.
- Live in Paekakariki Hill Rd and don't tip. Its an unwritten rule that if you are enough of a bastard to ring up all the way out there, the least you can do to save your soul is tip the driver. Especially when you are two kilometres up the road. And if you have a 2.5km long driveway. Yeah- you know who you are, asswipe. Just don't ever order again, or you might get the special sauce.
The amount of times I have missioned Hillary style to someones house, only to knock on the door for 5 minutes and be greeted with "Sorry mate, I didn't hear ya there, just let me find my wallet" is astounding. Then its the "How much was it again, I'll just write you a cheque" low blow. And when you're some old, ugly, drunk, stoned man in gripper rugby shorts and a dressing gown, rest assured- your apology is not accepted. You are the enemy. You have been blacklisted. We hate you.
Anyway... most people are good people. My faith in society as a whole still stands fairly high. But there are an exceptional few who try and let the side down. For you jerks, your only saving grace is the paying-by-cheque-with-the-nice-house-and-$5-tipping hot chick I just delivered to. Because you don't want to see me in a bad mood.